Mindful Monday: When “No” Means “My Brain Can’t”
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Now, let’s get into this week’s post…
Ever found yourself saying:
“They brushed their teeth just fine yesterday—why the meltdown tonight?”
Or maybe:
“They KNOW how to clean their room. Why won’t they just do it?”
Let’s take a moment to zoom in on what might actually be happening inside the brain.
Higher-Level Thinking… or Not?
Executive functioning skills live primarily in the frontal lobe—the part of the brain right behind your forehead. This is considered the command center. The big picture thinker. The one that handles all the “higher-level” stuff like planning, regulating, organizing, and prioritizing.
But here’s the thing:
When the demands placed on your child outpace the executive functioning skills they’ve developed… the brain flips the switch.
And suddenly, they’re not operating from their frontal lobe anymore.
They’re operating from the amygdala - which means they are now in survival mode.
Welcome to Fight, Flight, Freeze
When the brain perceives a threat—whether real or just overwhelming—it shifts from higher-level thinking to lower-level instinctual response.
This isn’t just happening to children. Our brains also have this response. Because this response keeps us alive and helps us respond to dangerous situations!
That’s not defiance.
That’s not being difficult.
That’s the brain doing exactly what it’s supposed to do… to protect you.
It’s just that your child’s brain is reading “putting on socks” like there’s a tiger in the bush.
You see:
Fight can look like yelling “no,” kicking the door, or getting snappy with you.
Flight might be hiding in their room, running to the backyard, or changing the subject a dozen times.
Freeze can be silent stares, blank faces, or “I don’t know” on repeat.
These aren’t behavior problems.
These are regulation problems.
And once you know that, the whole picture changes.
Think about you feel in a dangerous situation - time slows, your heart races, you sweat, processing speed changes…
They are experiencing those exact same feelings - even when the request doesn’t involve any danger.
But They Could Do It Yesterday!
Yes. And their executive functioning capacity might be the same today.
But here’s what might not be the same:
They didn’t sleep well last night
The tag in their shirt is scratchy
The dog next door won’t stop barking
The AC vent is blowing too cold
Their stomach hurts
School was overwhelming
Their body is just… off
This is the invisible math your child’s brain is doing behind the scenes. And if the load is too heavy—even brushing teeth can feel like too much.
It’s like the saying, “the straw that broke the camel’s back”. We don’t know what level load they are already carrying - even when we’ve been with them all day!
Let’s Flip the Script
What if, instead of seeing a meltdown as manipulation or defiance…
We paused and asked:
“What’s going on in their brain right now?”
What if our first response wasn’t correction… but questions and connection?
We can still hold boundaries.
We can still have expectations.
But let’s ground them in understanding first.
Try this:
“Hey buddy, your brain seems overwhelmed right now. Let’s figure out why.”
“I wonder if something’s making this feel extra hard today.”
“I can help while your brain gets back online.”
The goal is not to let kids off the hook—it’s to help them build the hooks they need to hang their tasks on.
Not Lazy. Not Bad. Just Struggling.
So many families come to me feeling defeated.
Worried their child is lazy.
Scared they’ve failed.
Exhausted by the constant battles.
But I’ll tell you what I tell every single one of them:
You’re trying to understand your child’s brain —you’re already doing it right.
This isn’t easy.
And neither is your kid’s path.
But together, we can find a way forward.
You’ve got this.
And I’ve got you.
Stay tuned for Part 4—we’ll dig into how the brain works, or doesn’t, when executive functioning skills aren’t calling the shots.
Let’s raise kids who can thrive—not just survive—in an organized world.
Warmly,
Tara Roehl, MS, CCC-SLP 💛
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